Monday, August 31, 2009

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in the bathroom, to 23.30, with two biscuits with cream, bread and a jar of Nutella. I filled half sandwich and two cookies with nutella and the rest of the sandwich I ate in white, with nothing, with only the taste of bread.
This morning I gobbled up a yogurt and 120 ml of orange juice. Now I will cooking for the joy of my brothers and I'll pretend that my 50 g of pasta is a dish fit for a king.
The sad thing is that eating more chocolate, had to eat it in secret, ashamed, throwing bread crumbs in the bidet as a chair and using the toilet.
was as sad thing.
But I can do, is the reality.
was my last binge of chocolate, now begin to count the days do not eat.
My stomach is closed, I went hungry, but I know I'll eat something otherwise I will continue to have this headache and cold sweats all day.
I hate having to eat and have no appetite for power.
I hate having blood pressure to drop and go without forces. Weight 53 kg, not 45.
Before I could go without eating for days, even hours away from breakfast to lunch, my head explodes and the muscles do not respond well.
Should I ask why, but I'm too happy to do so.
Contenta and resigned.
I thought last night in what I will do when I get to 50kg, as employ my time? Maybe I'll put another goal, dropping hypocrisy that I own, or maybe I'll try to keep my level, but then ended dovermmi to accept if I'll see fat (or even see me there at 50 kg it I'm sure).
had to happen sooner or later.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

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For Sara

You want some advice. No I do not know who to do it and could not even I could do it. Talk about control. Oh yes, now I think, perhaps we also believe that control you know. Well I thought. I wanted the 42, then 40 then 38 and on, but I knew it, of course. I wanted the 60, then 55, then 50 and down as well. I wanted less sides, I now have the bones protruding. I do not eat or binge, but I controllo.Svegliati will not fall into a nightmare bigger than you. What should you advise, how to count calories? How many burn? How to lose weight? For what? To wake up in the morning and think that eating too much not to take, what to do to burn, not to go out with friends for not eating, not wanting to have sex with your boyfriend because you suck, give up the sea, ice cream, costumes, the tight clothes, the real control? Want this? End up in a whirl without end, which throws you down, you will not ever be satisfied, because there is' an end. You'll want less, not less, until one day you will end up in hospital with a drip and a tube down her throat. But you had your control. You will eat the same dish at the same place, with the same fork, knife spoonful, but because the same glass altrienti do not know how much they weigh. Will hurt muscles, bones, the breath that goes away, the headaches, until your heart one day might as well stop, why not? Locked in the house without anyone, without being understood, ready to monitor, count and recount everything around you. You will be alone, abandoned, depressed, tired, you feel a failure, selfish, egotistical, stupid, useless and powerless. Think about it, I think (as mery says) think before ending up in a game that is only made of shadows and darkness ... there is no salvation, no light, no nothing, we're not even the more you ..

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52.5.
continues to fall.
Darkness falls and I binge, hidden in the bathroom to eat half of bread rose, only to wake up in the middle of the night to go see how much he weighed.
A rosette, 100g.
go down in that whirlwind unabated.
now the appetite is gone, the urge to eat not, but I look at food and feel full of the idea makes me get sick.
comes to my mind as if I were to eat a sandwich filled with spiders.
And those spiders sometimes I throw them down, so I could stand.
control shit, all those puttanante me flustered brain.
But I smoke over there.




Tuesday, August 25, 2009

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Desaparecer

13 years, are huge, they are bad, I suck.
I eat, I eat until Gorge, I eat to feel full of something, and eat enough.
14 years, the first cutter, the first cuts, the first dreams of infants, the broken heart.
15 years, alcohol, alcohol, drugs, cuts, and the other between a kiss and a skirt shorter and shorter and one hand always slips deeper into the meat and skin, between the blood and pain and I I put down and thrust his fingers into the skin until you feel it breaks in his hands, until you see the blood that drips from me, wiping, purifying them, taking away everything.
December 15 years, are huge, a little girl with a nearly 46 meter and 70. The appetite begins to disappear, disappears as the will to live, like the old days with his wrist cut, under boiling water. Less than 6 or 7 pounds in a week of fasting.
January 15, she met him, my beautiful Him, He takes me all the razor blades and throw me away, under the rails of a train, he takes out life and hope and the will to live.

"The monsters are real and even the ghosts are real. They live within us and sometimes, they win" Stephen King

He was right, because fullest. January 16
years, are horrible, they are huge, I'm afraid, I'm alone. Quarrel with my best friends, fight with him for months, wrapped in a wild back and really did not understand my monster, 10 kg on. They leave the bones.
Jun. 16 years, 55 kg.
August, after 17 years in July, 52.7.
Now the monster has won, I know. I've lost, I lost to myself. I want to disappear. * No entry if

de Querer ALDEGAZAR up de Querer DESAPARECER * (Quote LittleMissObsessive)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Friend Pregnant Congratulations

Revelations.

Finally I have a computer, not mine, but for now it works.
Two days ago I did something I should not do. I listened to a song by Ligabue.
Ligabue reminds me of last year, lost my friends, my best friend to whom I gave it all evaporated in a few minutes of puzzling words.
not listened to him for about five months, I did not remember I wanted to hear his voice.
do not know why the other day, while I smoked my sigarettina, I have access to the mp3 and I put that song, we felt that to repeat forever, that reminds me of the times we did and saw were taking the train in the middle of nowhere for no reason. I had a panic attack, not breathing and I started in a cold sweat, heart beating strong and I still did not breathe, my silent pain. I threw the cigarette, I called my boyfriend, and between sobs and could not feel my lungs, I understand.
I realized that I bury months, I realized that are months I do not do anything about a control that I did not.
have not done anything.
It was like an uncontrolled ascent to the stomach, the kind that will take your breath away, to be precise.
I thought I did everything I could, I played all my cards, I looked for a moment and realized I had never no fate, that he never had anyone close. Because of me, only my
I with my fears, fears fottuttissime.
My fear of living.
My fear of being happy.
might have surpassed it, I indeed I had it almost done. C. Then dimotrata that has not had to prove a disappointment. It's all over down in the darkest corner of myself.
All progress, hopes, joys ended down on, as well as miopeso decreased.
And we are now. Now that I have to eat the same dish, with the same fork, now that I have to count, I have to control, burn, and do not take it.
It 's a whirlwind that I deleted the world even more than I did in 15 years.
Everything is gone, back to my chronic self-absorption.
And now I'm to the point.
not stand longer pretend, I can not stand to be something they are not, I hate to eat in front of others strain to see what I'm doing OK, I can not stand anymore.
I've got but I tried, I tried to say it, but as usual, joking lightly, changing the subject after two seconds. I wish people were more acute, I wish it was my mother. No. Instead, people see or what we want to see.
Unfortunately I'm alone, as I always wanted to be. Even more glad I do not know what I mean.
The only contact with the outside world is my boyfriend.
well I want to delete him, he is my air and my resiro, my footing and dearest friend, he is now trying to help me with the only way I know it will work, but at the same time making me Leaning reasoning. He told me that I would make them his accounts of calories, but that brings me to a psychologist, that he eat when we eat together even if just says nothing, merely looked at me.
Yes, he, I should leave. If I want to reach the goal Nothing, I have to.
For now I just do not, now I'm in half. But I will have those 50 and September will notice it all, oh yeah, and I'll ignore it, with that sadistic smile under his mustache, as if to say "see? I could, I can."
blablabla, big words that will end up in the toilet. As something else that I can not stop now.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Princess Beatrice Beautiful

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXD

I went even though I do not have my computer.
These days I could relax (ahahahaha> _>) I planned my days, I cleaned the house (I hoped to make mom happy but it was better if I had to burn calories fate ONLY ball .. oh well> _>) I are given time to eat, distributing the food in 5 times of the day and giving me cioccalata (the Finger Kellogg, low-calorie and light .. uu) to avoid binge eating and compelling ... you know?
52.7 (my weight had reached 53.7, a day arrived the next day to 53.3 and 52.7)
Oddioooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I was flying, great .. OO
was a lot of time not losing weight, it was great. . if my guy was not very well (not at all actually)
I did something for me, I feel much better control of the situation, I give myself time to smoke (ie NOT smoke .. XD) I eat more and often I allow myself a little bit more energy to avoid having a sudden crisis of hunger, I eat more vegetables and cheese (I lack of calcium) and ... everything is perfect .. O_O
FORTISSIMO If it were not for the mood swings, to the muscles that hurt me (I do not know why) and the oppressive heat that makes my blood pressure to drop absurd (I want the winter and duvets and large sweaters ..*______*)
I wanted to be happy with you ..:)
A Kiss, SEPRO to be back soon to comment on all blogs (I always read them when I can enter but do not have time to write comments ..)
a kiss to all:)