Finally I have a computer, not mine, but for now it works.
Two days ago I did something I should not do. I listened to a song by Ligabue.
Ligabue reminds me of last year, lost my friends, my best friend to whom I gave it all evaporated in a few minutes of puzzling words.
not listened to him for about five months, I did not remember I wanted to hear his voice.
do not know why the other day, while I smoked my sigarettina, I have access to the mp3 and I put that song, we felt that to repeat forever, that reminds me of the times we did and saw were taking the train in the middle of nowhere for no reason. I had a panic attack, not breathing and I started in a cold sweat, heart beating strong and I still did not breathe, my silent pain. I threw the cigarette, I called my boyfriend, and between sobs and could not feel my lungs, I understand.
I realized that I bury months, I realized that are months I do not do anything about a control that I did not.
have not done anything.
It was like an uncontrolled ascent to the stomach, the kind that will take your breath away, to be precise.
I thought I did everything I could, I played all my cards, I looked for a moment and realized I had never no fate, that he never had anyone close. Because of me, only my
I with my fears, fears fottuttissime.
My fear of living.
My fear of being happy.
might have surpassed it, I indeed I had it almost done. C. Then dimotrata that has not had to prove a disappointment. It's all over down in the darkest corner of myself.
All progress, hopes, joys ended down on, as well as miopeso decreased.
And we are now. Now that I have to eat the same dish, with the same fork, now that I have to count, I have to control, burn, and do not take it.
It 's a whirlwind that I deleted the world even more than I did in 15 years.
Everything is gone, back to my chronic self-absorption.
And now I'm to the point.
not stand longer pretend, I can not stand to be something they are not, I hate to eat in front of others strain to see what I'm doing OK, I can not stand anymore.
I've got but I tried, I tried to say it, but as usual, joking lightly, changing the subject after two seconds. I wish people were more acute, I wish it was my mother. No. Instead, people see or what we want to see.
Unfortunately I'm alone, as I always wanted to be. Even more glad I do not know what I mean.
The only contact with the outside world is my boyfriend.
well I want to delete him, he is my air and my resiro, my footing and dearest friend, he is now trying to help me with the only way I know it will work, but at the same time making me Leaning reasoning. He told me that I would make them his accounts of calories, but that brings me to a psychologist, that he eat when we eat together even if just says nothing, merely looked at me.
Yes, he, I should leave. If I want to reach the goal Nothing, I have to.
For now I just do not, now I'm in half. But I will have those 50 and September will notice it all, oh yeah, and I'll ignore it, with that sadistic smile under his mustache, as if to say "see? I could, I can."
blablabla, big words that will end up in the toilet. As something else that I can not stop now.
0 comments:
Post a Comment