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ever.

Cry, cry and smoke.

smoke while you cry.

This heart is broken.

This item is broken.

This hope is broken.

No, do not give you permission.

No I will not breathe.

You can not breathe, breathe

, Mary, breathe.

I can not, can not do more,

I forgot, I forgot,

me I am lost on the way the instruction manual,

you can not go back, I'm sorry

,

can not breathe,

I slowly die,

not want yours,

I do not want your life,

I want my, I want only my

,

but has been lost, is lost on the road,

and no going back,

not return ever.

* Excuse me if I do not respond to comments, I can not, I can only throw phrases on a white sheet, without really thinking about it, throw them there and then throw them to you here, hope you like them, forgive me if I am absent as a person for a while *

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not do it ...

'm pissed off. angry black, like a beast.

I read on a blog a girl who wants to kill.

Tell me why, why come to us so bad? No, do not tell me that is just the fault of others, crap!

Who does not eat? Who has started counting calories? Who has an immense desire to be watched, to be accepted, to be envied, to control everything and everyone? Us!

just us, not hide behind a fucking finger, which is useless.

A boy died two days ago. He left the family, girl, a life to live. He died by accident. He did not want to kill. E'morto stop. And instead of us here that while we complain people are dying of hunger. We want to kill because the pain is unbearable.

Shit, but the others are there? We are there other FUCK, FUCK highly there.

against everyone and everything to show us from the others which we have always fucked.

cazzooooooooooo ... But this is pure hypocrisy. Perennial contradiction.

We all know an asshole? we care that we take off alone. We want to disappear but to be looked at. Delirium day after day until we come to those who also hunt loves us and wants only to understand. Why? Because we are fucking assholes. Because at the end of a growing force within us that does nothing but remove disassemble and others, to get us to our goal that THERE .

I was 55 that I said I was 50, now I say 48. Then there will be 45? why not 40?

But why do not you kill me first?

spent months to kill us slowly. But just do it right? What we care, just do this shit to end. The shit that we have created them, we . We been shaped him and then of course we also believe that every right, if not the duty , to take that away from him.

Sti cocks the rest of the world, so they are the cause of our beginning.

How disgusting is the only thing I can think of.

That anger, an anger fucking. because it is right that we should kill a girl because she's evil, nobody has noticed? There is no justice. Those fucking assholes dick because they do not stop to give him? why do not you watch it, because this world of shit does not do something?

Because she does not rebel? why do we influence that? because we are not able to say "sti cocks" of these people shit shit that fills us with his heart instead of saying "sti cocks" of those who loves us?

I'm crazy, I want to do something, but nothing I can do nothing but cry like a fool and hope it does not kill you really, I did not like that day, I looked in the mirror for the first time and I realized that was not right .... it was not really ... it was not for me ...

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disgusting and changes

I deleted my photos.

How dare I put them?

suck.

were beginning to bother me, I could not open the blog.

suck.

I suck.

Moment depression, I do not overextend because I do not want to annoy anyone.

Apathy ball, alternating disgust and revulsion.

But all this will change, will one day change. I believe it will change.

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's been a few days, I seem to months.

I do not want to write more.

I should say too many things I am ashamed. I want to delete this blog and forget it, because it sucks. Like me I am disgusting. Thanks for the wonderful compliment, but I do not believe.

I'm not jealous, it looked, I see myself thin and beautiful. I put my pictures because now I do not give a shit. I put it, perhaps it is true

for a second could well be that I have liked, but did not feel mine. Those photos show a body that is not really mine.

light, position, all elements that lead to a lot of beautiful things. But when I see those pictures is like watching someone else's body, beautiful, certainly, but not enough. Not the way I am.

I placed another bottom half, I am about to enter and continue to swim in the balance between this and my world. What made mock beauty and happiness that I no longer believe.

lie to myself saying that I will feel better when I have reached my goal. I am a liar. Tion to others and me. But I can not do anything. They are puppets of a game that I can no longer stop and that makes me more happy. The numerical

rosi "no thanks" before I am fully self-control, now I feel a slave.

Slave of a body and empties ingurgita when he wants, without any satisfaction, only because it must.

Well sometimes I still feel powerful, to say "NO". But it happens less often.

or not eat because my stomach is closed because I eat too much or too empty. And I also have a sore throat then it means that I can not even trying to throw up (just because now I felt every day as well several times, without any results)

are a disappointment to everyone. But unfortunately a part of me is tired, the other one is sad is determined, and is the strongest. I'll start swimming,

eat less and will reach my goal and then as it is one of those places that will not end well ... I know that I will end. Fucking in hospital.

but I do not want, I do not own.

But I can not help but think that 50 is still too much. Can I expect better.

DO I expect better.

Maybe I will leave you for quite a while, I am ashamed to write, I feel stupid and a little help ...

but I will read more, I'll be quiet presence among you ... and when my apathy will leave you feedback without the slightest sense to me to feel close ...

A small kiss my ...

Mary.

THINSPIRATION

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Long live the flesh I see only me.

seems pretty lean?

are lean?

So will not change.

I hate to see me big.

I hate not being able to understand what vedeono others.

From beautiful of my 52kg greet you.

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For You

Today I felt ... happy?
No, indeed I felt better.
better than this past summer here, counting and self-pity.
Happy to have people around me feel "special."
and I'm damn the calories, I also gave away my quadernino, I gave my best friend, I do not know why, I do not regret five seconds later, though I knew it was right to do so, in that exact moment. And now?
A bit panicked. Today I ate without knowing you were eating.
I weighed and a couple of days I went back to 53. I feel like a failure, but ... I do not care.
I'm losing time, I'm throwing my time ...
I spent the summer alone in feeling sorry for himself for not doing anything.
I miss me that rebels against injustice, who smiled Me, the Me that he fucked and eat without worry, because you loved me you could see through the eyes of others, to me that he still had dreams, albeit small. Me one that came slowly and then suddenly gone.
I'm not saying I'm cured, I'm OK, but ... that I'm tired, tired of watching my bony knees, my wrists and tiny to see me still FAT.
For years, I feel fat, ugly, inadequate. I'm tired of make me sick. Tired of crying. Tired of hating myself every day. Tired of killing and eating eating first, then cut, not eating and then vomiting hours (that is, try it at least, I think the only thing on earth that you put two fingers in my mouth for 3 minutes and sbratta)
I just want to live, breathe, to feel loved, loved e. .. there. Existing . A bit like
Meri said, do not think, have an empty head. Do not cry every night on the toilet to swallow that piece of bread.
I'm not anorexic, never admit it, because in this whirlwind I have also thrown us, we have decided to go, at least this year, I got stuck with force and I used it as a "replacement" of what really made me sick.
But four years that I am disgusting and struggling against my body, do not take it anymore.
Girls, we're wasting time. We're chasing a dream is a nightmare, we are hiding behind ourselves, do not miss! And let
... please.
Happiness is beautiful, I've enjoyed a second and now live in fear of savor again and then be taken from me as it has always happened for years .... but you react.
must fight for that second, because otherwise we are not living, we're just slowly dying.
So why not do now? Why not kill? We are not the first to want everything right away?
I'll tell you, why is there still a glimmer of hope in us, we wait in silence for someone to notice us, but the problem is that we We are not aware of ourselves, and how they can notice the other ?
Think, really understand what the problem and face it together, because I know it's difficult, I know why I live on my skin, but nothing is impossible.
Just be strong, is not it?:)
I love you, really. Maria



_____________
This song is Povia, My sister, I dedicate to you, like I wrote it, like I'm singing, all s


My sister who trusts people with their eyes closed
love my sister more and earn more you spend
phones, broods and blames
if my sister had a child 17 years
My sister who wakes up later by his dreams and then call
, broods, she did not expect principles,
lips crème caramel in his solitude ..

My sister is crazy and eats and eats more than that is alone, then closes
pulls water into the bathroom and puts a finger down his throat,
looks like my sister and I know that What evidence
because my sister in this world is not

wants to be right wants to win she wants to be sure
because my sister is strong only when it is afraid, so call
broods
not know How long beautiful
but her face is illuminated only at night to the refrigerator

My sister speaks and does not speak a word
ride just out of spite and just to comfort the crying
my sister play in goal on a beach seems like yesterday that I
sometimes it's still a little girl with arms

but my My sister and one day I will love
after quarrel with who and who I will miss you my sister is
lalailaiala
my ... my sister and my sister is my

my sister is tired and eat and eating is more than one
then shut the bathroom and I look with my heart in my throat
my sister that I pull words and slippers
but then still want to kiss goodnight ... nananana

ViVoglioBene *, * really

The Link Lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMglIv0k7fE

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I know that I disappear for a while.
not feel like writing.
not feel like doing anything.
'm not doing anything .
eat, that's what I do, eat and pretend that my body has really needed.
sucks! I wanted to reach 50 kg, even those I reached, after a month ...
fill only if I wrote this blog sucks but I feel that now is closed inside.
Yes, because that is how shall recover the (non) review the situation on my body, my hunger.
I'm sorry ...
I'm so sorry ...

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Skeletal

So, yeah, baby, skeletal, bony, angular.
Yeah, baby.
Dot.
to close in an embrace.
no light, no. Unfortunately not get the idea.
Light is too good as a term. Skeletal
.
skeletal skeletal skeletal and again.
I'm sorry, perhaps, but not too much. They left me to myself. Oh, I'm told I'm crazy, which are self-centered, which is strange, that I HAVE stop. I do not need your shit. Skeletal
, more and more.
No, I do not think so. What I say is true, but it is reserved for the crap they are.
I have reserved the bones, those sharp, those that hurt when you turn in bed.
I liked to spot your fine words blog, give you hope. Instead I should learn to shut up, because what matters is what do, not what we say .
See? Skeletal
this regard.
I deserve to die. Why
yesterday, and I laughed as I did not do the time, surrounded by people who love me, clouded by alcohol, when unfortunately I ended up throwing up because of the vodka, even drunk I thought, "Well at least all the pizza, all the ice cream all my money, my dignity, my joy, my will to live, are there, without having made any effort and will not have to count calories, because they are all in the toilet "
Yes, I deserve to die just because I can not appreciate. Why do I have everything I could have, a guy who loves me, friends (far, but I have) two best friends who want me to what they want for themselves and end up in the same spiral unabated.
" How many calories did the host? "Today I thought about this in church.
Skeletal, more and more skeletal.

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" I was trying to breathe, with his legs to his chest and arms that surrounded them. Inhale, exhale, and so again, but could not. That chest continued to rise furiously, taking away my breath, I'll cut off halfway and not go out anymore. He was there, leaning against the wall, with tears in his eyes for the effort. Then he remembered what he had seen in a movie and began to concentrate on the bed, the drawer under the mattress was a glossy green, the knobs had strange patterns around it and the paint was ruined by the many times that it was opened and closed, even beaten with kicks and punches. He looked at the pool, the white sheet where his sister slept soundly the night of his most peaceful, the other drawer where his clothes were all crowded, which were ordered right every time, went to his bed, with red bedspread, her mother had put him in power, because she did not like, but then in the context of the room was very nice.
The breathing became almost normal and she realized he had regained control. Stared at her soft arms around his thin legs. It seemed as if my wrists could not succeed to hold the weight of those feeble legs were so small, they seemed made of paper, a precious paper, ready to break at any time, with the bone protruding round slowly, in Depending on how he was turning his wrist watch or hid behind the shadows. He felt so, how that his little bone on the wrist. Seemingly fragile, thin, but still hard, break a bone because it is always difficult. He hid in the shadows of its past and disappeared in those moments of breath cut off, when to stand in the light was too painful, took refuge in his memories of anthrones, dusting and filled with light posts that were intended to remain in the dark. Redraw the boundaries, all tinged with bright colors, sometimes changing the image, gave him new tweaks and then admired the finished work, but when the heart began to ache, began to beat faster and faster, sliding more and more blood and vein at the wrist was crazy, that he felt the first, and then the breath is cut off when he saw nothing that this design redone, rebuilt, so good: with that angle of the light differently, with more defined boundary that was spectacular, it was work, but it was nothing but a silly plan of his mind and lungs that did not want to respond slowly erased everything, leaving that bitter in the mouth that tears were trying to thrown back down ... "

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It's like I'm not me.

This morning, I wake up. belly gurgles.
But that will, yesterday I filled with 5 and profiterols about 80g of white pizza, do not complain.
I go to the bathroom, I take off my pajamas and I pull out my best friend (or enemy?) I go over there.
51.09
??
What? mo And he wants? How did I lose all sti grams?
I wear glasses when he was a three that I had mistaken for one. But that remains a numeretto 1. I dressed and I look in the mirror. Are the same as yesterday. Perhaps the stomach is a little flat, but that's normal, is empty. I am neither happy nor sad, they are not.
I have a banana stuck in his throat to avoid the risk of having sugar drops and then I started reading this. Giulia (skinnygirl) wrote that he wanted us to do a list of things that we like. I reflect on yesterday with a dear friend of mine.
I like:
- the cloudy sky and rain (but it makes me a little melancholy)
- I like nature (but never go for walks in the mountains because I suck insects prefer to look at the scenery)
- I like the picture (I stole the camera, at the beginning of July, now I do not know when shall recover)
- I love my boyfriend I do not find anything that
is this ...
- I love acting, dancing, writing, hanging out with friends, feel useful, help people, pray, eat, smile, run in the rain, the sun, the sea, customs, clothes, being with the family .. .. I liked a lot of things. Now I do not know why did not I find it so interesting and counterproductive. But I'm not sad, just do not feel anything. And this is more frightening. If I tried something, then I would feel alive.
These days I seem to no longer exist, not live.
and I do not feel enough.
I'm sorry, maybe I should not even write any more here. Fill people with sadness and melancholy and perhaps I'm getting almost hypocritical, I speak well with all the urge and say things objectively right. Sometimes I wish I also believe in what I say.
But it's more like I'm not myself, as if I were someone else. Kissing Girls
s

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Today mom found that waiting a little girl ..:)
That's great, I'm very happy .. ^ ^
You should know that my family is very large .. XD
We are 6 children ( is of the same parents) and mother waiting for 7, but is actually a week .. XD

I wanted to tell you how I love you, really.
filled me strength every day .. Thanks to all s: D *** Smack

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This blog is veiled in sadness.
I'm really so?
Maybe.
But now, now, hearing this song, I am filled with strength, for the man who loves me, for the love that fills the days.
is because they are too.
madness of love, even if I pretend not to be.
A life spent pretending not to be.
But today, now, now, let me fill your heart and perhaps a singing loudly, I find hope.
Listen to it, is beautiful.
and devote Any you, even yourself .. Kiss Me:)

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me is "good" for

"Go into the bathroom, stuffed two fingers into your throat and vomit acidity in the toilet. " It
mom, I'll do it willingly, but not only that vomit. Vomit or lunch and dinner and any thing put in food. I have a perpetual
want to throw up in recent days.
Vomiting and drain what I feel. But, I do not think I'll do it, it would be a bad habit for me, it would be all too easy and I obviously love the hard stuff.
And then I do not need to vomit. I do not eat much, my appetite goes to whores. Let me be clear, is not that fast for days, it seems a rather silly thing if done voluntarily, because belonging to the body feeds on itself, but then the metabolism is blocked, all liquids are ONLY kg lost and when you forgive in mouth something, your body metabolizes it more because you take more 'than it should take more RImetabolizza and all that did not metabolized first.
There is no point in Grace fast, not fast ammenochè FOREVER.
But I do not I feel like it. I have no interest in eating. I only do it to stand up.
But instead I stand greatly to the "junk", including sweet potato biscuits popcorn. Oh those are I choose, but only when I leave. So I have to spend all the money on cigarettes, pretending that they're filling me .. MAH.
sad, very sad.
This whole situation is really sad. I do not remember when was the last time I laughed. I would like, it's nice to laugh, makes you feel good. I have to bind us. The
forced laugh. Before I did not laugh because I had the equipment, then now is the time to smile all the teeth, then disappeared. Now I'm the pathetic girl who tries to laugh.
We should all react a little, you begin to think that my life is throwing in the toilet, alone.
But I'm fine. It is very good.
Poor me, I'm also the design the word "Good."
But as always, we smoke above.

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Albakiara

That's great, really touched me and I was almost too much in your words! St'idea that nobody wants to read your comments toglitela by the foreman, I wake up in the morning thinking about those who have commented .. XD E ' nice to see that people are encouraged by what you say, then even a little comment that says "give me what you write" unable to fill the days of a small light different ..:) I understand what you say, even though I've never risked to become obese, but I know the feeling (I think I have a very fast metabolism, so even if I hid the snacks I also, however, have never risen more than 67, 68 kg, but before I was low, then sq km was noticed that I was not really in shape) I also understand what it means to be ashamed to go out. I wear a 40 and I still have my underweight "ashamed" to go out in shorts in August and I am wearing long pants and neri.Quello can tell you is that you should free up some of the ghosts of the "old" you. Who cares what they think (that will never be what you think, because when you lose weight, you can do only compliments, not ammenochè course then you start to look like a sick person) yet I know sometimes I feel the same ( and I lost 13 kg) as if it never changed anything and all I were kidding, but then one day I saw a picture of me, my arms looked thin, like the legs, seemed almost invisible and I was impressed, so much feeling, because I had never seen her like this. I do not want to play the part of the hypocritical moralist, perhaps you're still in time to not throw your life. Maybe you do not SEE lost weight, but if you continue to lose weight at some point you hear the bones, you'll hear in bed when you turn around and you're always uncomfortable when you sit down, when you embrace it, they take you by the hand. No longer a fact but to SEE HEAR and you know what will happen? You can not do anything. You fool all day, you cling to what you'll see huge and pretend not to feel pain. Until one day maybe you will die, maybe they'll send you to the hospital may get well. But ... try to accept you in your normal, trying to show the world that you can, you're in control! Those "as" me, do not have ever had. Do not fall into the illusions, the lies in the emptiness of the days that you meet the people who now have only "them." Life is beautiful because it varies, because there are super thin, super big, normal, what if fuck it fuck it and those who get too poco.Non affect the malice and cruelty of people, but you .. love you ... I'm trying for some time, the more we feel the more the air seems to be missing, not to end in a whirlwind that has no light, rebelled and live your life, which is wonderful and is one ... and it's bad to live when you breath is cut off and helmets on the ground because you do not have the forces to do anything .. I would have reacted long ago, I understand my mistakes and unfortunately, only now I find myself thinking that it's too late .. kiss my dear, your light will dawn, just that you really see the desire, without fear ..